Lately lot of things happened... and although I wished that all of them were good, the most of them were really bad. It makes me feel sad, exhausted, in pain.. but what can I do? I can't oppose the nature of things, all I can do is hope for the best. But how can I when I'm not able to see to light at the end of the tunnel? What should be the feeling when you find out that the person you always admired is on the edge? What should you do when you find out you have a really bad chronic disease? What should you do when you feel alone? What should you do when you feel too tired to fight? What should you do when you are weak? Those question are haunting me .. What should I do? I keep saying that everything it is alright, but I know it isn't. The moment when I have to face them all is so near.. But I still want to escape from them...
I kept thinking why I don't want to face them, it's not because I'm afraid, I got used to see that everything vanishes in my life, it is because I believe there should be a light.. somewhere there.. just for me.. my light... the power to go on.. the power to hope..
Hopes.. Dreams.. I don't want to give them up.. I don't want to see all those bad things because I can still fly and I know that the moment that I will acknowledge them I will be forced to stop ..
I guess I will have to find a way to deal with them and to keep my ability to fly in the same moment.. It just takes courage.. :)
I woke up today thinking why I am the person who I am? Those moments were very often lately and I couldn't really answer them 'till now... I reevaluated the values that I have been living for those past years and hoped to find myself again in them.. but I had a surprise... some of them changed...
Some years ago I realized that so many people walk thru life without being actually happy, because they didn't had the courage to say no or because they were to afraid to strive for something grater, to risk it... they go thru life without noticing what is happening around them and wake up at night feeling alone, they don't stop not even for a second to see the beauty of a sunset.. But can you actually call this living? I always saw them as cowards, people who are not able to face the truth and are hiding behind lies.. they create their one little word in order to survive.. not to live...
That's when I decided I wouldn't be one of those persons that are hiding behind something it doesn't exist.. and in order to sustain my wish I created my own little values... which were guiding me thru my life until now...
1. I will always smile! - Smile was the one thing that helped me a lot dealing with the problems I had.. when times were bad I smiled, confusing the people around me, making them unsure in them, but making me see the light at the end of the tunnel.. In the end I had the courage to smile at those people who actually hated me and making them my friends..
2. Pain is something in my imagination, thus I won't show any sign of pain! - This guideline brought to me a lot of difficult moments, lonely and unhappy moments, crying my heart out somewhere where nobody could see me.. but in the end.. never showing how painful it was.. making others look at me and hearing them say what a strong person I am and me always thinking that it's the opposite.. I still don't show to people when I suffer, but my reason changed in time, it is not because I wan't to be strong.. it's because I don't want the people that are caring for me to be worried.. Lately I had the courage to cry and to say "it hurts!"..
3. Always stop to see the beauty of small and simple things! - I realized that I couldn't be happy if I will never stop to admire the beauty of a flower.. to play with some stray dog.. to be thankful that I'm living here and now.. and to appreciate everything I have.. this is how people can truly find happiness, not by searching for perfection...
4. Being surrounded by friends and always being there for them! - This was the value that I developed thru a lot of tears, making people lose their trust in me, because I was to afraid to let them in my life and in the end seeing that I can't be happy alone and that I prefer to suffer and to have great moments, then having nothing to be thankful for... You can't taste at the fullest the flavors of life if you concentrate just on one of those feelings.. Sometimes you have to cry, to be in pain, to think there is not tomorrow in order to see how happy you actually are and to be willing to fight for what you want and what you believe in..
5. Being onest to yourself and to others, dare to face every moment, be it pleasent or not!
6. Have the courage to dream, have the courage to be yourself, have the courage to strive for more!
